drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize