eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
