I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
