i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Woke up backwards on a recliner
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
