Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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