Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
