Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you traded sex for a burrito?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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