I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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