how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
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