This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
