You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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