So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
