Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
