I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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