gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
