I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize