Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
