from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I faked an abortion last night.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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