the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
