Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
