I murdered the dance floor call the cops
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
