I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
