i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Two words: nipple clamps
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