Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
