so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
