She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
