omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
