I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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