I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
