clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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