sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
wrigley field is MILF paradise
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Its about making memories worth repressing
i just sent this text using only my big toe
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
