so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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