That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
