just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
