The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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