some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize