My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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