What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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