and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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