i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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