Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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