i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
