just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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