I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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