My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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