Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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