Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
