I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
