fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I need moral support for this bender
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
