I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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