I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
