Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
