How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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