If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
