i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
