Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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