Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
