Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize