Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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