im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
