Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
