Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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