Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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