did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
