did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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