I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
